I Call It Twatting – Couples Retreat (2009)
Vince Vaughn pretty much rules this movie. This guy is rapidly ascending my top comedic actor list. I know it’s pretty much the same schtick every movie…rapid speech, big eye expressions, etc., but he’s mastered it and for some reason I don’t get tired of it. Another reason to watch this movie is for the yoga scene. I guarantee you will cracking up during this scene. That’s all I’ll say.
- Dave: Is his junk literally out of his pants?
Ronnie: Yes.
Dave: Now it’s a party - You own a zebra, I own a goat, what the hell does that have to do with cheating on your wife?
- I don’t want to see a video about ball cancer
- I feel your anger… I got your blood pumping.. yes, no, now use it… harness it…. Boom!
- With what you are wearing, you are attracting guys who wear their pants around their ass
- Take the French out of your mouth and tell me what to do
- This looks like a screensaver
- I hold a lot of tension in my upper thighs
- Here is my karma on you
- Feel the energy through your chest, your peacock chest
- Encouragement, yes!
- The Code?Asstastic… Yes, Asstastic. A-S-S-TASTIC did you get that? Are we good? Good
- It’s like a little kid gets a puppy for the first time, just hugs it so much, snaps it’s neck. It’s puppy cradle death syndrome. All that love is gonna snap that puppy
- Please don’t pee in that, it’s not a real toilet
- Please, allow me to put on something more proper
Quid Pro Quo, Douchebag – The Hangover (2009)
Oh, man. Yet another movie I have lived through. Ok, maybe not the part where you stay in the deluxe suite at Caesars Palace (substitute The Frontier complete with picketing workers out front), the tiger in the bathroom (substitute barf in the bathroom), Mike Tyson singing (substitute Kirov, our Russian Taxi Driver singing) and a naked Asian man in the trunk (substitute a…..ok I have experienced the naked Asian in the trunk). Anyway, I could relate to this movie. I used to love Vegas and now it scares the crap out of me. Movies like this and Very Bad Things show how easy it is for everything to go wrong.
- Stop! You’re getting too close to my shaft!
- We tend to do dumb shit when we’re fucked up
- Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?
- It’s where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it’s not a purse, it’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
- Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard
- I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
- Not you, fat Jesus
- Oh, you know what? Next week’s no good for me… The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it’s totally fine.
- He’s jackin’ his little weenus!
- I’m not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school… or a Chuck E. Cheese
- I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley’s comet
- Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine
- Listen to me, I’m gonna’ tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
- Fuck this tiger!
- Here’s something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
I Like… Unicorns – Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
Who doesn’t like a good ‘ol game of dodgeball? I have fond memories of playing this ancient past time back in the day. I was pretty damn good too…usually making it to the last few people before my teacher Mr. Lazarus would knock the crap out of us. Not too hard when your a 6′6″ southpaw with an arm like Nolan Ryan. Grown man picking on little kids. Bastard. On a side note, this one goes out to you Mr. Rip Torn. I admire your comedic work and the fact that your house looks like the bank you were found in. Oh and the fact that you pack heat. Gangsta!
- If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball
- I ain’t crazy and I ain’t a guy
- That is pure poppycock!
- The dread pirate Steve be in no man’s debt. I’ll make a barter with ya; true as the north star. In exchange for your kindness, I’ll be sharing me buried treasure with ya… once I find it, that be
- Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation
- Your “gym” is a skidmark on the underpants of society
- Too bad Hallmark doesn’t make a “Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony” card
- My sweet dick, it’s magic! (Wow, this could be my new favorite line ever)
- You had me at blood and semen
- Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade… Laser… Blazer…
- You’re going down like a sweet muffin!
- There’s no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I’ve got ‘em
- Do you smell that fitness? I do
- Cotton McKnight: Oh! Right in the testicles!
Pepper Brooks: Ouchtown, population you, bro! - Son, you’re about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop!
- I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya, it feels phenomenal!
- Peter La Fleur: There’s someone out there for everybody.
Owen: You think?
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there’s two somebodies for one person. I like to call that “the jackpot” - This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue: “Drunken Hussies 3″, “Backdoor Patrol 5″ and “Bona Lisa Smile”. Thank you
Nice Beaver! – The Naked Gun (1988)
The Naked Gun has to be one of the best spoof movies out there. Right up there with Airplane. Of course one of the common denominators is the king of dead pan comedy, Mr. Leslie Nielsen. This guy is so good in these roles. I’m surprised he hasn’t been in more comedy hits. Just re-hashing these quotes from Naked Gun, makes me want to sit through an all day rain fest Naked Gun marathon. Come on, rain already.
- Frank: It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst. - Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo…?
- Tell me, Mr. Papshmir, in all the world, who is the most effective assassin?
- It’s a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!
- Det. Nordberg: Drugs… drugs…
Frank: Nurse! Get this man some drugs! Can’t you see he’s in pain?
Det. Nordberg: No… no…
Det. Nordberg: Heroin, Frank! Heroin…
Frank: Uh… that’s a pretty tall order, Nordberg. You’ll have to give me a couple of days on that one - No… you’re right, Ed. A parachute not opening… that’s a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine… having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that’s the way I wanna go!
- Protecting the Queen’s safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts
- I’d known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She’d hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don’t recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was
- Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Frank: It’s hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover… - Yes, he’s in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle
- Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: Thank you. I just had it stuffed - You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan
- Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there’s only a 10 percent chance of that
- It’s fourth and fifteen and you’re looking at a full-court press
- Mayor: Now Drebin, I don’t want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that’s my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that’s *my* policy!
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of ‘Julius Caesar,’ you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Miss Piggy, You Look Beautiful! – The Muppet Movie (1979)
Ok, if you grew up on Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, and the Muppets you know that when you watch them now you can really see how hilarious the writing was. These shows were made for adults but had the cute characters for kids. The Muppet Movie really emphasizes that fact. This movie is fantastic. I haven’t seen it in years, but I still have visions of Kermit riding that bike with his little frog legs pumping away!
- I’m Waldorf. We’re here to heckle “The Muppet Movie”
- That’s pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn’t hop, I’d be gone with the Schwinn
- Listen, when you’ve been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star
- Bernie: You, you with the banjo, can you help me? I seem to have lost my sense of direction!
Kermit: Have you tried Hare Krishna? - I’m a professional. I’ve had three performances
- I hope you appreciate that I’m doing all my own stunts
- Kermit, does this film have socially redeeming value?
- El Sleezo Patron: Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit: Well, you see, I’m not a sailor, I’m a frog.
El Sleezo Patron: Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit: I don’t even know you.
El Sleezo Tough: Hey. Did you make a move with my girl?
Kermit: No, sir.
El Sleezo Patron: He did too. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough: Ugh. Wash up, you’ll get warts.
Kermit: That’s a myth.
El Sleezo Tough: Yeah, but she’s my “myth”!
Kermit: No, no, myth, myth!
Myth: Yeth? - Miss Piggy: Ooh, you mad, impetuous fink, it’s champagne!
Insolent Waiter: Not exactly. Sparkling Muscatel, one of the finest wines of Idaho - No frog’s gonna make a monkey out of me!
- Max, find me a frog and a bear in a tan Studebaker
- And now, filling in for the vacationing El Sleezo Dancing Girls, the funny, furry, fabulous – Fozzie Bear!
- We am, is, are, and be, they whom as are known as: The Electric Mayhem!
