Nice Beaver! – The Naked Gun (1988)
The Naked Gun has to be one of the best spoof movies out there. Right up there with Airplane. Of course one of the common denominators is the king of dead pan comedy, Mr. Leslie Nielsen. This guy is so good in these roles. I’m surprised he hasn’t been in more comedy hits. Just re-hashing these quotes from Naked Gun, makes me want to sit through an all day rain fest Naked Gun marathon. Come on, rain already.
- Frank: It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst. - Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo…?
- Tell me, Mr. Papshmir, in all the world, who is the most effective assassin?
- It’s a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!
- Det. Nordberg: Drugs… drugs…
Frank: Nurse! Get this man some drugs! Can’t you see he’s in pain?
Det. Nordberg: No… no…
Det. Nordberg: Heroin, Frank! Heroin…
Frank: Uh… that’s a pretty tall order, Nordberg. You’ll have to give me a couple of days on that one - No… you’re right, Ed. A parachute not opening… that’s a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine… having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that’s the way I wanna go!
- Protecting the Queen’s safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts
- I’d known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She’d hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don’t recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was
- Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Frank: It’s hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover… - Yes, he’s in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle
- Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: Thank you. I just had it stuffed - You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan
- Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there’s only a 10 percent chance of that
- It’s fourth and fifteen and you’re looking at a full-court press
- Mayor: Now Drebin, I don’t want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that’s my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that’s *my* policy!
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of ‘Julius Caesar,’ you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Miss Piggy, You Look Beautiful! – The Muppet Movie (1979)
Ok, if you grew up on Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, and the Muppets you know that when you watch them now you can really see how hilarious the writing was. These shows were made for adults but had the cute characters for kids. The Muppet Movie really emphasizes that fact. This movie is fantastic. I haven’t seen it in years, but I still have visions of Kermit riding that bike with his little frog legs pumping away!
- I’m Waldorf. We’re here to heckle “The Muppet Movie”
- That’s pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn’t hop, I’d be gone with the Schwinn
- Listen, when you’ve been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star
- Bernie: You, you with the banjo, can you help me? I seem to have lost my sense of direction!
Kermit: Have you tried Hare Krishna? - I’m a professional. I’ve had three performances
- I hope you appreciate that I’m doing all my own stunts
- Kermit, does this film have socially redeeming value?
- El Sleezo Patron: Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit: Well, you see, I’m not a sailor, I’m a frog.
El Sleezo Patron: Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit: I don’t even know you.
El Sleezo Tough: Hey. Did you make a move with my girl?
Kermit: No, sir.
El Sleezo Patron: He did too. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough: Ugh. Wash up, you’ll get warts.
Kermit: That’s a myth.
El Sleezo Tough: Yeah, but she’s my “myth”!
Kermit: No, no, myth, myth!
Myth: Yeth? - Miss Piggy: Ooh, you mad, impetuous fink, it’s champagne!
Insolent Waiter: Not exactly. Sparkling Muscatel, one of the finest wines of Idaho - No frog’s gonna make a monkey out of me!
- Max, find me a frog and a bear in a tan Studebaker
- And now, filling in for the vacationing El Sleezo Dancing Girls, the funny, furry, fabulous – Fozzie Bear!
- We am, is, are, and be, they whom as are known as: The Electric Mayhem!
I’m Buck Melanoma – Uncle Buck (1989)
Sorry for the lag time between posts folks. You know that holiday season really keeps me busy. But now I’m back and ready to share more of my favorite movie quotes. Let’s start of 2010 with one of my favorites growing up. Good ‘ol Uncle Buck. I wish I had an uncle like Uncle Buck so he could make me some big ass pancakes.
- Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where’s your office?
Buck: I don’t have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don’t need one.
Miles: Where’s your wife?
Buck: Don’t have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It’s a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don’t.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It’s an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my Dad’s brother?
Buck: What’s your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I’m your Dad’s brother alright.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I’m a kid – that’s my job - I don’t have to take this shit from you. You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I’m a god!
- A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I’ll tell you a story about that on the way to school
- What’s another name for balls?……NUTS
- Hi, I’m Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell’s wart
- Hey, nice music! Who is that, the Grass Roots? Just kidding, I know my music!
- You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it… to see if you actually brushed your teeth… or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet
- Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I’m single again, but I never bothered to remove the Frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen
- Maisy Russell: My Uncle was micro waving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maisy’s Teacher: Honest?
Maisy Russell: Mm-Hmm
Maisy’s Teacher: Why was your Uncle micro waving your socks?
Maisy Russell: He can’t get the goddamn washing machine to work
Maisy’s Teacher: BLASPHEMER! - Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things
- Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!
Ishmael Likes Me – Kingpin (1996)
I enjoy the occasional night out at the bowling alley. Some Budweisers, soggy nachos and smelly shoes. All good right? But you know what makes it better? When you get that guy in the next lane sauntering up with his ball bag, shiny swirly yellow ball, custom made wrist guard and his own damn bowling shoes. Now, that my friends, makes my bowling night a success. Kingpin captures the beauty of the bowling lanes and its cast of weirdos and I love them for that.
- Some corn stalks were broken and I tried to fix them
- One more time, sweetness
- Tanqueray and Tab and keep ‘em comin’
- Hi. Not you. Hi.
- Run for the hills everybody, there’s a giant shit-cloud coming
- Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn
- I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t
- The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine
- It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he’s the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He’s got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst
- Hi Mr. Skidmark
- Your act is about as fresh as a Foghat concert
- What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger
- Jonathan, run a fly pattern all the way to the goal line. Tennessee! Kentucky! Find the meat! Uh, deeper, Jonathan
- Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.
Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull.
Roy: I’m gonna brush my teeth - I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy
- Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary
You’re My PIC, Wheeler – Role Models (2008)
I had to get the movie quotes in for Role Models quickly at the request of @katiesouthie. You see, she had a disagreement with a friend over which movie was better, Role Models or Step Brothers and asked yours truly to settle it. I immediately replied Step Brothers for a couple reasons. One, it was a damn fine and funny movie and two, I hadn’t even seen Role Models yet. Haha. She was disappointed as she voted for Role Models. I figured I should probably watch it so I could provide a more accurate opinion. And, guess what? I still vote for Step Brothers! Sorry @katiesouthie. Although this is a hilarious movie with plenty of good quotes, it all comes down the male/female psyche. Role Models has that cute, feel good, romantic ending to it. While Step Brothers is crass throughout. Chicks like romance. Dudes like fart jokes and gratuitous boobie shots.
- I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he’d cum in his pants
- We are gonna make s’mores with white chocolate
- Sometimes I call myself “The Booby Watcher”, and I have my own comic book. “The Adventures of The Booby Watcher”
- Ronnie Shields: You’re my PIC, Wheeler
Wheeler: What’s a PIC?
Ronnie Shields: Partner in crime. You’re my PIC. Just don’t cock-block me tonight - Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a fucking break
- I’m not here to service you, I’m here to service these young boys
- School Boy: Hey nice cow outfit. Where can I pick one of those up at, the gay zoo? Homo
Danny: No, no. It’s not a cow. It’s a a minotaur. It’s a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom’s closet
Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her - No, I like to rock n’ roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands… I can only rock from like 1-3
- Chicken wings, chicken wings, hot dogs and baloney, Chicken and macaroni, Chillin’ with my homies, Chicken wings, Chicken wings
- Diana has put away her bosom. Apollo has lifted his skirt. The day has been launched
- Why don’t you lay out two lines of your selfishness, which is your blow, draw the shades, take the phone off the hook, grab a straw, and snort!
- Danny: Man, why do you bow for that guy?
Augie Farks: Because he’s the king, and he rules the entire realm.
Danny: Oh he rules the entire realm? Oh my bad.
Danny: Is that when he is or isn’t whacking it to The Sims? - Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I’m-full-of-shit?
- Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine
Wheeler: What did you have for dinner?
Danny: Was it cocaine? - Me and the judge have a special relationship… I don’t wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs
Gayle Sweeney does rule this movie though!
