Wow, just checking out the cast of Spaceballs has me thinking about Halloween already. I’m agonizing over who to be: Dark Helmet, Barf or Prince Valium. Choices, choices. I forgot there’s even a guy named Major Asshole. I’d be all over that except no one would no who I was and I’d have to wear a name tag saying Major Asshole and any person that dresses up that has to use a name tag for you to figure out who you are is, well, an asshole.

• I’m a MOG. Half man half dog. I’m my own best friend.
• Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
  Major Asshole: I did sir. He’s my cousin.
  Dark Helmet: Who is he?
  Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole sir.
  Dark Helmet: I know that! What’s his name?
  Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
  Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
  Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole too sir. Gunner’s mate First Class Philip Asshole!
  Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
  Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
  Dark Helmet: I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!
• So the combination is… one, two, three, four, five? That’s the stupidest combination I’ve ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
• Get back here you fat bearded bitch!
• Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! (This was a favorite line of my old college roomate whenver I hopped into his Sanford and Son truck)
• Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and mogs first!
• Lone Starr: Who hasn’t heard of Yogurt!
  Princess Vespa: Yogurt the Wise!
  Dot Matrix: Yogurt the All-Powerful!
  Barf: Yogurt the Magnificent!
  Yogurt: Please, please, don’t make a fuss. I’m just plain Yogurt.
• She’s gone from suck to blow!

Browse Timeline

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