Dear Lord Baby Jesus, Talladega Nights is a special movie. A movie about friends, competition, true love and…ahhh naw just kidding you LBJ. It’s about poking fun at NASCAR and rednecks. Haha. I had you going there Lord Baby Jesus.  Now answer my prayers and let me win my soapbox race down at the community center this afternoon. Amen.

• America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936
• I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life’s journey
• No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia
• No, ma’am. I haven’t seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he’s out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves
• I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley’s ta-tas. You won’t find another rack like that, I guarantee it
• With all due respect, I didn’t realize you’d gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed
• Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers
• Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son’s, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin’ Wife, Carley
• There is something I want to get off my chest. It’s about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I… I mean you probably didn’t hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho
• Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
• Jean Girard: Soon you will know what it is like to be beaten by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote ‘The catworm forgives the plow”.
  Ricky Bobby: Well I got something for you from the late great Colonel Sanders who said “I’m to drunk to taste this chicken”
• Hey. I’m Ricky Bobby. When you’re workin’ on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That’s why you should use… MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR
• Well let’s see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn’t learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great
• Ricky Bobby: From now on, you’re the Magic Man and I’m El Diablo.
  Cal Naughton, Jr.: What does Diablo mean?
  Ricky Bobby: It’s like… Spanish for like a fighting chicken
• My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants. To tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet
• If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!
• Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?
• I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say…”I… love… crepes.”
• I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk!
• Here’s the deal I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence (This is my new motto for life!)
• Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker! (Wait, I changed my mind, this my new motto for life!!!)

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