Ma Meatloaf » 1990s

Ishmael Likes Me – Kingpin (1996), Movie Lines and Quotes

Ma Meatloaf — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 22:19:15 +0000

I enjoy the occasional night out at the bowling alley. Some Budweisers, soggy nachos and smelly shoes. All good right? But you know what makes it better? When you get that guy in the next lane sauntering up with his ball bag, shiny swirly yellow ball, custom made wrist guard and his own damn bowling shoes. Now, that my friends, makes my bowling night a success. Kingpin captures the beauty of the bowling lanes and its cast of weirdos and I love them for that.

Some corn stalks were broken and I tried to fix them
One more time, sweetness
Tanqueray and Tab and keep ‘em comin’
Hi. Not you. Hi.
Run for the hills everybody, there’s a giant shit-cloud coming
Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn
I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t
The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine
It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he’s the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He’s got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst
Hi Mr. Skidmark
Your act is about as fresh as a Foghat concert
What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger
Jonathan, run a fly pattern all the way to the goal line. Tennessee! Kentucky! Find the meat! Uh, deeper, Jonathan
Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.
Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull.
Roy: I’m gonna brush my teeth
I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy
Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary

LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER! – Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994), Movie Lines and Quotes

Ma Meatloaf — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:27:51 +0000

Jim Carrey is masterful as Ace Ventura with his energy, acccents and overall enthusiasm. But, I’d rather talk about Sean Young. I mean, The Crying Game has nothing on this monumental performance. Who would have known that Lois Einhorn was Ray Finkle and Ray Finkle was Lois Einhorn! Ewwwww.

I’m in Psychoville and Finkle’s the Mayor
Congratulations on your success. You smell terrific
If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer
Snowflake? Here Snowflake!
Alll righty then!
It was all that Dan Marino’s fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Like a glove! (I always enjoy yelling this when I successfully parallel park!)
Good question, Aguado. First, I’d establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug’s DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I’d lose 30 pounds… PORKIN’ his wife
I’m looking for Ray Finkle…..and a clean pair of shorts.
Excuse me. I’d like to “ass” you a few questions
Holy Testicle Tuesday!!!
DO NOT go in there! Wooooooo
Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear
For God’s sake, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a pool man!
Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!

Like Warm Apple Pie – American Pie (1999), Movie Lines and Quotes

Ma Meatloaf — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:06:51 +0000

As far as I know, American Pie was the first to coin the word MILF. That right there puts them up high in my book. Think about it, the writers created a word that is tossed around as often pizza dough in Little Italy. That’s amazing. Dude should get a bonus. Wonder if he or she was the same sicko that thought of the apple pie scene? I mean c’mon a nice lemon meringue would have been so much more tasteful.

Boys, boys, boys. I’m on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload – again
I’m a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady
This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy
No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn’t getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we’re not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!
It’s like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it’s not a game
M-I-L-F Mom I’d Like to Fuck!
Go trig boy! It’s your birthday!
Mom? Shitbreak?
What’s my name? SAY MY NAME BITCH!
I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed
You realize we’re all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us
Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny
I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day
Friends call me Nova as in Casanova

Stupid Is As Stupid Does – Forrest Gump (1994), Movie Lines and Quotes

Ma Meatloaf — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:20:23 +0000

Gump is just good people, you know? Great, great movie. Little long, but well worth the watch. As for quotability, shoot, even my pops can quotes some lines. He loved ‘ol Bubba and his shrimp dialogue. I can still see him sticking out his bottom lip…shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. My favorite part of the movie is when little Forrest teaches Elvis how to properly do a pelvic thrust dance. Good stuff.

Hello. My name’s Forrest, Forrest Gump. You want a chocolate?
I’m sorry I ruined your New Year’s Eve party, Lieutenant Dan. She tasted like cigarettes
That’s all I have to say about that
That kid may be the stupidest son of a bitch I’ve ever seen, but he sure is fast!
I am living off the government tit! Sucking it dry!
There was Dallas, from Phoenix; Cleveland – he was from Detroit; and Tex… well, I don’t remember where Tex come from
Sorry to ruin your black panther party
Bumper Sticker Guy: Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. ‘Cause I’m in the bumper sticker business and I’ve been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you’ve been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into – WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes
Nobody gives a hunky shit who you are, pus ball. You’re not even a low-life, scum-sucking maggot. Get your ass on the bus, you’re in the army now!
When I was in China on the All-American Ping Pong team, I just loved playing ping-pong with my Flexolite ping pong paddle
Like I was sayin’, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that’s about it.
Bubba: My given name is Benjamin Buford Blue, but people call me Bubba. Just like one of them ol’ redneck boys. Can you believe that?
Forrest Gump: My name’s Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump
My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

Shake and Bake! – Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Ma Meatloaf — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:06:14 +0000

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, Talladega Nights is a special movie. A movie about friends, competition, true love and…ahhh naw just kidding you LBJ. It’s about poking fun at NASCAR and rednecks. Haha. I had you going there Lord Baby Jesus. Now answer my prayers and let me win my soapbox race down at the community center this afternoon. Amen.

America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936
I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life’s journey
No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia
No, ma’am. I haven’t seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he’s out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves
I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley’s ta-tas. You won’t find another rack like that, I guarantee it
With all due respect, I didn’t realize you’d gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed
Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son’s, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin’ Wife, Carley
There is something I want to get off my chest. It’s about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I… I mean you probably didn’t hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho
Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
Jean Girard: Soon you will know what it is like to be beaten by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote ‘The catworm forgives the plow”.
Ricky Bobby: Well I got something for you from the late great Colonel Sanders who said “I’m to drunk to taste this chicken”
Hey. I’m Ricky Bobby. When you’re workin’ on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That’s why you should use… MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR
Well let’s see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn’t learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great
Ricky Bobby: From now on, you’re the Magic Man and I’m El Diablo.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: What does Diablo mean?
Ricky Bobby: It’s like… Spanish for like a fighting chicken
My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants. To tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet
If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!
Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?
I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say…”I… love… crepes.”
I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk!
Here’s the deal I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence (This is my new motto for life!)
Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker! (Wait, I changed my mind, this my new motto for life!!!)