I’m Buck Melanoma – Uncle Buck (1989)
Sorry for the lag time between posts folks. You know that holiday season really keeps me busy. But now I’m back and ready to share more of my favorite movie quotes. Let’s start of 2010 with one of my favorites growing up. Good ‘ol Uncle Buck. I wish I had an uncle like Uncle Buck so he could make me some big ass pancakes.
- Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where’s your office?
Buck: I don’t have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don’t need one.
Miles: Where’s your wife?
Buck: Don’t have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It’s a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don’t.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It’s an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my Dad’s brother?
Buck: What’s your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I’m your Dad’s brother alright.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I’m a kid – that’s my job - I don’t have to take this shit from you. You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I’m a god!
- A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I’ll tell you a story about that on the way to school
- What’s another name for balls?……NUTS
- Hi, I’m Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell’s wart
- Hey, nice music! Who is that, the Grass Roots? Just kidding, I know my music!
- You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it… to see if you actually brushed your teeth… or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet
- Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I’m single again, but I never bothered to remove the Frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen
- Maisy Russell: My Uncle was micro waving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maisy’s Teacher: Honest?
Maisy Russell: Mm-Hmm
Maisy’s Teacher: Why was your Uncle micro waving your socks?
Maisy Russell: He can’t get the goddamn washing machine to work
Maisy’s Teacher: BLASPHEMER! - Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things
- Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!
Ishmael Likes Me – Kingpin (1996)
I enjoy the occasional night out at the bowling alley. Some Budweisers, soggy nachos and smelly shoes. All good right? But you know what makes it better? When you get that guy in the next lane sauntering up with his ball bag, shiny swirly yellow ball, custom made wrist guard and his own damn bowling shoes. Now, that my friends, makes my bowling night a success. Kingpin captures the beauty of the bowling lanes and its cast of weirdos and I love them for that.
- Some corn stalks were broken and I tried to fix them
- One more time, sweetness
- Tanqueray and Tab and keep ‘em comin’
- Hi. Not you. Hi.
- Run for the hills everybody, there’s a giant shit-cloud coming
- Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn
- I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t
- The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine
- It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he’s the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He’s got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst
- Hi Mr. Skidmark
- Your act is about as fresh as a Foghat concert
- What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger
- Jonathan, run a fly pattern all the way to the goal line. Tennessee! Kentucky! Find the meat! Uh, deeper, Jonathan
- Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.
Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull.
Roy: I’m gonna brush my teeth - I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy
- Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary
You’re My PIC, Wheeler – Role Models (2008)
I had to get the movie quotes in for Role Models quickly at the request of @katiesouthie. You see, she had a disagreement with a friend over which movie was better, Role Models or Step Brothers and asked yours truly to settle it. I immediately replied Step Brothers for a couple reasons. One, it was a damn fine and funny movie and two, I hadn’t even seen Role Models yet. Haha. She was disappointed as she voted for Role Models. I figured I should probably watch it so I could provide a more accurate opinion. And, guess what? I still vote for Step Brothers! Sorry @katiesouthie. Although this is a hilarious movie with plenty of good quotes, it all comes down the male/female psyche. Role Models has that cute, feel good, romantic ending to it. While Step Brothers is crass throughout. Chicks like romance. Dudes like fart jokes and gratuitous boobie shots.
- I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he’d cum in his pants
- We are gonna make s’mores with white chocolate
- Sometimes I call myself “The Booby Watcher”, and I have my own comic book. “The Adventures of The Booby Watcher”
- Ronnie Shields: You’re my PIC, Wheeler
Wheeler: What’s a PIC?
Ronnie Shields: Partner in crime. You’re my PIC. Just don’t cock-block me tonight - Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a fucking break
- I’m not here to service you, I’m here to service these young boys
- School Boy: Hey nice cow outfit. Where can I pick one of those up at, the gay zoo? Homo
Danny: No, no. It’s not a cow. It’s a a minotaur. It’s a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom’s closet
Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her - No, I like to rock n’ roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands… I can only rock from like 1-3
- Chicken wings, chicken wings, hot dogs and baloney, Chicken and macaroni, Chillin’ with my homies, Chicken wings, Chicken wings
- Diana has put away her bosom. Apollo has lifted his skirt. The day has been launched
- Why don’t you lay out two lines of your selfishness, which is your blow, draw the shades, take the phone off the hook, grab a straw, and snort!
- Danny: Man, why do you bow for that guy?
Augie Farks: Because he’s the king, and he rules the entire realm.
Danny: Oh he rules the entire realm? Oh my bad.
Danny: Is that when he is or isn’t whacking it to The Sims? - Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I’m-full-of-shit?
- Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine
Wheeler: What did you have for dinner?
Danny: Was it cocaine? - Me and the judge have a special relationship… I don’t wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs
Gayle Sweeney does rule this movie though!
LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER! – Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
Jim Carrey is masterful as Ace Ventura with his energy, acccents and overall enthusiasm. But, I’d rather talk about Sean Young. I mean, The Crying Game has nothing on this monumental performance. Who would have known that Lois Einhorn was Ray Finkle and Ray Finkle was Lois Einhorn! Ewwwww.
- I’m in Psychoville and Finkle’s the Mayor
- Congratulations on your success. You smell terrific
- If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer
- Snowflake? Here Snowflake!
- Alll righty then!
- It was all that Dan Marino’s fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
- Like a glove! (I always enjoy yelling this when I successfully parallel park!)
- Good question, Aguado. First, I’d establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug’s DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I’d lose 30 pounds… PORKIN’ his wife
- I’m looking for Ray Finkle…..and a clean pair of shorts.
- Excuse me. I’d like to “ass” you a few questions
- Holy Testicle Tuesday!!!
- DO NOT go in there! Wooooooo
- Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear
- For God’s sake, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a pool man!
- Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!
It’s In The Hole! – Caddyshack (1980)
How has it taken me this long to get to one of my top 5 movies of all time, Caddyshack?!?!? This is one of those movies where it’s so difficult to pick your favorite character. I mean, come on, how do you choose between Ty, Judge Smails, Al, Danny, Carl and Spaulding? What other movie out there has so many classic characters? I can think of none. Could be because I’m drunk or could be because there’s not any out there! I’ll leave it to you to decide.
- Thank you very little
- Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity
- What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you’re here?
- Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still
- Freeze Gopher!
- A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish
- Hey, Smails! My dinghy’s bigger than your whole boat!
- This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff
- He’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away, he’s gonna hit about a 2 iron I think. It’s in the hole!!!
- You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
- This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion
- How about a Fresca?
- Oh Mrs. Crane, you’re a little monkey woman. Yeah, you’re lean, mean, and I bet you’re not too far in between are ya. How’d you like to wrap your spikes around my…
- This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You’re probably high already and you don’t even know it
- License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote
- Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips
Judge Smails: You’ll get nothing, and like it! (Could be my all time favorite line. I enjoy saying this to anyone who asks me for something) - I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think
- In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, gopher’
- Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You’re not being the ball Danny
- Noonan!
