LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER! – Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994), Movie Lines and Quotes

Jim Carrey is masterful as Ace Ventura with his energy, acccents and overall enthusiasm. But, I’d rather talk about Sean Young. I mean, The Crying Game has nothing on this monumental performance. Who would have known that Lois Einhorn was Ray Finkle and Ray Finkle was Lois Einhorn! Ewwwww.

I’m in Psychoville and Finkle’s the Mayor
Congratulations on your success. You smell terrific
If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer
Snowflake? Here Snowflake!
Alll righty then!
It was all that Dan Marino’s fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Like a glove! (I always enjoy yelling this when I successfully parallel park!)
Good question, Aguado. First, I’d establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug’s DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I’d lose 30 pounds… PORKIN’ his wife
I’m looking for Ray Finkle…..and a clean pair of shorts.
Excuse me. I’d like to “ass” you a few questions
Holy Testicle Tuesday!!!
DO NOT go in there! Wooooooo
Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear
For God’s sake, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a pool man!
Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!

No Comments / Nov 17.09 / 1990s / by Ma Meatloaf

It’s In The Hole! – Caddyshack (1980), Movie Lines and Quotes

How has it taken me this long to get to one of my top 5 movies of all time, Caddyshack?!?!? This is one of those movies where it’s so difficult to pick your favorite character. I mean, come on, how do you choose between Ty, Judge Smails, Al, Danny, Carl and Spaulding? What other movie out there has so many classic characters? I can think of none. Could be because I’m drunk or could be because there’s not any out there! I’ll leave it to you to decide.

Thank you very little
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity
What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you’re here?
Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still
Freeze Gopher!
A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish
Hey, Smails! My dinghy’s bigger than your whole boat!
This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff
He’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away, he’s gonna hit about a 2 iron I think. It’s in the hole!!!
You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion
How about a Fresca?
Oh Mrs. Crane, you’re a little monkey woman. Yeah, you’re lean, mean, and I bet you’re not too far in between are ya. How’d you like to wrap your spikes around my…
This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You’re probably high already and you don’t even know it
License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote
Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips
Judge Smails: You’ll get nothing, and like it! (Could be my all time favorite line. I enjoy saying this to anyone who asks me for something)
I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think
In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, gopher’
Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You’re not being the ball Danny
Noonan!

1 Comment / Nov 10.09 / 1980s / by Ma Meatloaf

Now That’s How You Get Pink Eye – Knocked Up (2007), Movie Lines and Quotes

This movie has an important life lesson that I will never forget. Thank you for this message, Knocked Up. Kids, pay attention. Wrap the weasel. That’s it. Done. Life lesson. You’re welcome.

Fuck me in the beard
If it grows from the ground, it’s probably okay
You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter
Hey, don’t let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!
You look like Babe Ruth’s gay brother… Gabe Ruth
Just smoking a joint. Drinking some beers. You know…Rockin
She like-a the way your dick taste
I’m gonna throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 88
Life doesn’t care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it
You know, the best thing for a hangover is weed
That’s not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities
Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she’s crowning
You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone
Debbie: I’m not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I’m not going anywhere, you’re just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You’re a doorman, okay. You’re a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so… Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves
Doorman: I know… you’re right. I’m so sorry, I fuckin’ hate this job. I don’t want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It’s not cause you’re not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can’t let you in cause you’re old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth
Debbie: What?
Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can’t have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That’s crazy, I’m only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd

No Comments / Nov 03.09 / 2000s / by Ma Meatloaf

You Farted? – I’m Gonna Git You Sucka (1988), Movie Lines and Quotes

I’m not sure which one of my roommates had this movie on VHS, but man this baby got a lot of play in the dorms our freshman year. I had never heard of it previously, but after watching it over 50 times, I sure could quote it. My roommates and I would always have to do the Chris Rock lines whenever the cafeteria was serving ribs. I guess those workers never saw the movie, because they never found it funny. Anyhow, I like this movie and you should too. This is blaxploitation at its finest people. Pay attention and you might learn something.

Chris Rock: How much for an order of ribs?
Bartender: $2.50
Chris Rock: $2.50? How many ribs come in an order?
Bartender: Ah…about 5.
Chris Rock: So…each rib is about 50 cent?
Bartender: Yeah…that’s about right
Chris Rock: Well I’ll have one rib
Bartender: Okay, one order of ribs
Chris Rock: No…no, no, I mean ‘one rib’
Bartender:…One rib?
Chris Rock: I sure am hungry
Bartender: Ah…make that ‘one rib’….
Chef: Aw…’one rib’….? Geez…
Bartender: You want anything else with that?
Chris Rock: How much is a soda?
Bartender: A dollar
Chris Rock: Aw come on man…look out for a brother
okay, I’m make a deal with ya, just pour it into a
glass and I’ll take a lil’ sip for 15 cents.
Bartender:….my glasses cost more than 15 centers…
Chris Rock: Okay, fuck the cup, pour it into my
had for a dime
Bartender: LISTEN YOU LITTLE GEASY-HAIR JERI CURL,
YOU PAY ME AND GET THE HELL OUTTA MY BAR
Chris Rock: Got change for a hundred?
Don’t make me hop after you
Look, a family full of midgets is not considered kids. That’s a Gang!!
Yes, we marched on the Federal building. Five hundred of us young brothers, full of outrage. They were hiring that day. The brothers came with guns; they left with jobs. Oh, yes, whitey is very tricky
You two big motherfuckers in here cookin’ red beans and grits – you call that business?
Willie: I heard you screamin’ from all the way over there, and…
Leonard: I wasn’t screamin’, all right?
Willie: But I heard you…
Leonard: I wasn’t screamin’! I was whistling!
Willie: You was whistling “Willie, help get this bitch off of me”?
Leonard: Yeah!
Bitch better have my money, rain, sleet, or snow. Bitch better have my money. Not half, not some, but all my cash. Cause if she don’t I’m a put my foot dead in her ass!
So, it’s just you 57 cops against KUNG FU JOE? Master of KUNG-FU, KARATE, JIU-JITSU, and all kinds of other shit you ain’t never heard of! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
They’re my theme music. Every hero’s got to have some
Cheryl: Well, after you left, he started getting into drugs and stuff. Things got really bad when he…
Jack Spade: Well, what? Cheryl, come on!
Cheryl: He started wearing gold chains, Jack.
Jack Spade: Oh, God, no!
Everyday, I see kids walking around, killing and stealing for gold chains. I see kids with medallions so big they can hardly stand up, all stooped over and shit, trying to carry that stuff. But, what’s really awful, man, is you see a young brother with this cheap imitation electroplated gold crap around their necks. And, it breaks out in this funky green rash, with these bumps and shit; it just makes you wanna puke